the road to wellville

this is all okay and here is why

2005-10-02T03:55:28Z

acidic_eyes @ 2005-09-27T11:38:00

2005-09-27T16:42:24Z

ugh....i have class today. didn't read the book. i have a paper due on thursday.
I'm ABLE to keep track of things, i swear. i just don't choose to.
fucking work tonight. god i'm having a horrible day and it's only 11:40.
My throat hurts like fuck. Last night was horrible. I just cried and cried for
no reason. everything was hurting and there was nothing i could do, i felt like
i had no one i could call, no one who would understand, and with that realization,
this wave of nausea came over me as i felt this utterly bottomless pit of loneliness
open up beneath me, swallowing me whole. Sometimes I close my eyes really tight as
if when i open them again the world will be different somehow.

please help me, ana

2005-09-27T04:40:21Z

mia please die.
I'll kill you myself if you don't.
Tomorrow we part ways forever. Not just a few weeks.
I see you hanging on to the hem of my skirt, but you're losing grip.
Ana.
I haven't seen you in awhile. I kind of miss you. Could we have a date?
I'm free tomorrow morning and afternoon. Shall we not do lunch?
We were so tight freshman year. It made me kind of crazy though, and everyone
said you weren't good to me, but you were. At least, I think.
I don't really want you back, but I'm confused and I need to see you just
to straighten everything out. You're kindof like Jared.
Sometimes I get really depressed when I'm hovering between recovering and
falling apart. They seem one in the same. I'm so torn between these worlds.
I want to live and get better and experience life. But I just cant. I want
to feel my ribs again and wear size zero....when I eat normally it feel forced,
and then mia gets her chance to take over again. God, Ana, whoever, please help
me, she's killing me! I'm going to die if she keeps with it!! I don't want to die.
But I have no idea what living is like. I don't know what hungry or not hungry or
full or sick or stuffed or anything is...everything just confuses me. I hate evrything.
Nothing works. I had all these dreams last week and I feel like I forgot where I was
heading. I thought my 18th birthday would bring clarity..but it's the exact opposite.
God I don't know. I just don't know and I need to cut myself so badly but I don't
want the scars because I don't want them to know. I just want it for me and for
that peace of mind and that release. Just to make it all okay when it's all not.
I have homework and i have to study for the SATs and babysit and work and all this shit
and i'm freaking out. I'm freaking out and I'm losing it so bad. I DONT WANT TO DO THIS
ANYMORE. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE I dont care who rescues me as long as mia
goes away. just make her go away.

i'm 18. whoot.

2005-09-26T20:29:36Z

well it's monday, the birthday festivities are all over. it was good though. my best friend
sisi came up from purdue and we went extreme derby racing, then out to dinner at Red Light
with my parents in chicago and then i drove her and i up to northern illinois to run
around in a corn maze until midnight. then we sat by a bonfire and talked. it was a really
good day. that was all on saturaday the 24th -my real birthday- but on sunday when i got
back from work i celebrated with my parents by eating my custom made coldstone cake and
opening presents. Everything was going well with my ed...but last night jared asked me to
come over and i got so excited that i had to purge because i didn't want to feel slow and
heavy and full around him. he met me out on his "porch" ie. cement stoop of appartment
building and we just sat and had dull conversation. he's fucking not interesting to talk
to i finally decided. he doesn't want to do anything cool either...i'm only infatuated with
him because he's hot as hell and he emotes this aura of self confidence, tranquility and
genuine fufillment with life. I really want those things...so i guess that's why i want
to be around him so much..be in him. so then he got tired, but by then it had started to
rain and i couldn't walk home without getting soaked...but his older, much larger brother
came out to smoke cigs and was like "yeah it's cool, i'll talk to her" so then jared went
inside leaving me and cliff talking for a good half hour. he's hilarious and pretty smart
too...much more my type than jared...and i WOULD go after him, but he's 7 feet tall and
like 300 pounds, and i'm a big fan of physical intimacy. sooooo i just don't think it
would work. well then i left and got too sleep after 2am...but of course i had to get up
early and go to my therapist. I WAS SO FREAKING TIRED. then i got back and ate lunch,
but then had to purge cause i was all dizzy and nauseated and weak...but of course, that
only got worse, so i lay down and fell asleep until my mom came and woke me up by coming
home to return our bird which she had taken to the vet. well, now i'm just all cranky
and sore and tired and just not feeling so hot. i'm either getting sick or my period. hah.
i've got some birthday money to go spend. i'm thinking about buying the latest version of
everquest or asheron's call or some RPG like that....and the new aqua teen volume 4, i'm
freakin' psyched. Any money that's left over i'll get some new chuck taylors and some
aqua teen or sealab apparel. i feel like seeing my brother. i feel like meeting some new
people. i feel like being clean. It's funny how we use the word "feel" but then don't
attach it to actual emotions like "I feel sad", but instead we attach it to physical
feelings like "I feel ugly" or the notorious "I feel hungry". Hungry isn't a state of existence.
It just is.

Anyway, love always,
~Aurore

C'est Moi!

2005-09-23T03:32:44Z

muwahahaha! the color is screwey in these photos...imagine deep blue...like...abyssal plain blue

blah.....erk

2005-09-23T03:10:13Z

i got home from work at 9ish...made chicken salad...brownie and ice cream too...wheeee!!
now i'm not really tired...but i just wanna...i have no idea. well actually, i just
wanna see jared. haha. oooo! i dyed my hair. it didn't turn out the way i wanted thou..
i wanted just a few dark dark blue streaks at the tips, but like...ALL of the tips are
dark blue now. whatever, if people don't like it they can suck it. i just feel like when
i have a lot of color that i need to use all of it. plus, this is only my second time
doing highlights/lowlights. i think it'll grow on me. plus, i can always cut it or change
in a few weeks. okay seriously thou....i need to get jared out of my head, this is making
me crazy as hell. like i get all confused and disoriented when my brain starts obsessing
over him and when i should see him again blah blah blah. so then i just can't focus and
i forget to do stuff like study for my SAT II's and all that jazz. i hope i can remember
my dreams tonight...i haven't remembered since monday and it's really hindering my quest
for lucidity. ARGH! i'm angry. i should do myself a favor and just go to bed. i have to
get up early tomorrow anyways and help out this old woman by doing yardwork or whatever.
she's really nice, but i think i have to be there by 9am or some ungodly hour like that.
well, i'll prolly come back to bitch again later tonight..if not...
love, Aurore

acidic_eyes @ 2005-09-22T11:09:00

2005-09-22T16:12:56Z

i wish the rain would've kept coming this morning, i love waking up to grey skies and
thunder..it's just the most relaxing thing. on the contrary, though, i woke up to
that dull ache in my rib cage from where jared had hit me, and that sharp pain in my
heart. i didn't think i'd fall for him again, seriously, i thought i could get over
my obsession and just be friends with him; but sometimes i feel if i can't have him
as my lover, i don't want him as anything. but then my common sense kicks in and says
"just ride it out, you're strong, don't give in, don't let him know how you feel, make
him want it to, make him feel it." i would feel better about that if i knew it
wouldn't affect my recovery in any way. i'm just so fragile right now, i don't wanna
crack, i'm making really good progress. whats weird is that he knows about my struggles
with my eating disorder and he even took me to an AA style meeting and all this
stuff...but he didn't ONCE ask me how i was doing. do i take that as him not caring?
or is he just selfishly focused on his retarded (lack of) a relationship with
justine? i need to know, but that's not one of the things i can bring up when i
just start hanging out with him again. i also want to know why he got really
involved in my life and we were sleeping in the same bed and kissing and talking
and all these wonderful things, and then it all just stopped. he didn't call
didn't make any effort to see me, he completely abandoned me when he KNEW i was
going through a really tough time with my ED. maybe i just scared him off with
my confession of how i felt, and he didn't feel that way back. he was so cruel
that night, i'm just remembering now..about how i was crying as we were walking
back home and he didn't know what to say because he couldn't say he liked me for
some reason and he was just acting all jared happy and giddy and i'm like "WHY
THE FUCK ARE YOU BEING LIKE THIS??? CANT YOU SEE IM IN PAIN???"
butI didn't say it,i just cried and then he didn't even walk me all the way home, he just left.
no hug, just "whatever" and was gone. he really fucked with me. after tht incident
i remember getting over him, being able to say, okay i can get on with this, jared
may be retarded, but that doesn't have to affect me. But then while i was in the
bahamas in summer vacation, my mind would drift back to him, completely forgetting
all the pain he put me through. tell me, HOW is that a benefit to us evolutionarily?
or is it just that we aren't THAT evolved and our minds are weak and forgetful
and easily overpowered by hormones. LOGIC WILL NEVER PREVAIL WHEN IT COMES TO LOVE,
NO MATTER HOW INTELLIGENT YOU ARE. so while on vacation i was entertaining this
thought that may be me and jared are really meant to be together..since i
believe so strongly he is the person i will marry, i want to marry. and every female
on my mom's side, including her, knew that they would marry their now husbands when
they met them. on my mom's side they also have some psychic abilities. i don't
think i got them. so may be i wasn't blessed with the ability to recognize my
future husband either. that makes me sad. but i still can hope. i just have to
keep going over there, keep calling, keep making an effort to see him, that's
the only way i MIGHT one day get what i so desperately need from him.

until next time,
Love, Aurore

P.S. - here he is in all his glory ^_^

what the fuck is wrong with me?!??!

2005-09-22T06:18:57Z

argh! fuck you jared fuck you fuck you fuck you!!!!!!!!!!!!!
get out of my goddamn head. why did i have to stop by your appartement? why did we have to go hang out
and talk about my boobs being smaller than justines? why did you tell me you bought her lingerie??
(eventhough it was from dean, not you...you still bought it thinking about her!) why did we talk about
how big your penis is? why do you still like her and want to have a relationship with her eventhough
she's in fucking MAINE!?!?! i hate you justine. i haven't hurt so badly inside for so long..since that
thing with us senior year. god..just a few months ago..and i used to be able to convince myself that you
were childish and stupid but you are so sweet and when you make me angry by saying something insensitive
and i get upset you always know how to make it right and i just end up loving you more. i can actually
feel how much it hurts right in my chest. maybe that's because i kicked you and you hit me really hard
in the ribs, i think that just adds to it though. physical and emotional pain all centered at my heart.
you really know how to fuck me over, and i don't mean sexually. and then when you drop me off you don't
even offer me a hug...all i can think to say is ask what you got justine for her birthday, my jealousy
just fills me. i don't want a hug, i say, don't get me a birthday present, i don't care....but I DO and
i really need you to get me something special. i hate feeling so selfish and childish and stupid and angry
all the time around you..i just want you to love me and i can't understand why you dont. we just need to
spend more time together. a lot more time. i will make you mine. this throbbing pain in my chest won't be
in vain, mark my fucking words.

and of course if this love goes unrequited, i may just end up taking over a small, third-world country
....and then possibly the earth. yeah, thats how much energy i'm putting into loving you since i'm not
getting anything back. we should just not see eachother. but i know i literally can't handle that.

the famous girl's demise-- an epidemic?

2005-09-21T04:40:30Z

freakin' obvious.....

the fall from grace:

Adorable Hilary...

she looks so happy here

jesus christ.

I never really liked Nicole...she always had this nasty look on her face.

Eww...

can you say "skeletal"?